thank you notes (dana)
[ed:Ā i'm thankful for the opportunity to share some recent thank you notes by dana, who posts daily notes on her tumblr, which is wonderful. if you'd like to submit notes for me to share, you can do so here.]
5/18
Iām thankful that I tried meditating in the morning for ten minutes. Iām thankful that I found the setting on my phone that turns off all alerts except alarms because it tends to buzz and beep more in the morning. Iām thankful that as I tried to focus on my breathing my stomach kept growling and it made me laugh as in Of course you would start making noise just when Iām trying to be quiet. Iām thankful that my stomach was probably growling because I was thinking of what I was going to order for breakfast at the cafe with N and F. Iām thankful that an old mentor CP and I talked about meditation once and he said it was really fucking hard but always good to try. Iām thankful that for the time he shared an article with the class on mindfulness in the hope it would help us. Iām thankful for CP in general. Iām thankful that while meditating I didnāt slip into self loathing thoughts because this is where my brain often goes when itās idle.
Iām thankful that on the crowded train a man was eating a roll near me and smell of his food made me more hungry and happy that I was going to eat breakfast soon at a good cafe Iāve been to lots of times.
Iām thankful for the very cool looking tall woman dressed in all black while I waited at the station for F to pick me up so we could go to the cafe. Iām thankful for her thigh high boots, crocheted cape-like coat and short dress. Iām thankful for her long hair which was also black and the way she breezed past everyone like Miranda Priestly going to an important meeting.
Iām thankful that I didnāt have to wait very long for F as she is always punctual. Iām thankful that in the car I rested my hand between our two seats and at a stop light she put her hand in mine. Iām thankful that I laughed and said Oh! and she said I thought you were giving me a signal or something! and how sweet that was. Iām thankful that we held hands until she needed to turn the steering wheel. Iām thankful that she welcomes my being open with her with her own openness. Iām thankful that we regularly express gratitude for the other and this is the first friendship where Iāve experienced this. Iām thankful for my adult friendships, which feel markedly different and better than my teenage ones.
Iām thankful for the coat I was wearing which has become my favourite coat that I got for five dollars at Target. Iām thankful that Iāve been seriously thinking over the concept of a capsule wardrobe and could probably do it. Iām thankful for the many blogs and videos that exist on how to capsule-ify your wardrobe when it essentially seems very simple to me. Iām thankful for the porridge I ate that had walnuts, honey and rhubarb in it. Iām thankful for my recent decision to never ever wear heels again and how good I feel about it. Iām thankful for my deep and painful regret each time Iāve worn high heels and how each time this has happened itās cemented the lesson that took me until now to learn. Iām thankful that now whever I see women wear heels I canāt help but internally cringe at the pain theyāre surely feeling or will feel later.
5/23
Iām thankful that yesterday I hung out with my young cousin L for a few hours. Iām thankful that she told me about high school and how miserable she is, that she feels comfortable sharing those things with me. Iām thankful that she calls me her best friend but very much wants a best friend of her own age and didnāt realise that it would be such a struggle to find a best friend in high school (itās her first year). Iām thankful that she complains about everyone in her classes talking about cute boys (she goes to an all girls school) and doesnāt understand why thatās all they talk about when she wants to run and play. Iām thankful that she spoke about feeling inadequate and ugly compared to her friends and that I didnāt become impatient with her as this reaction would be something that I could easily see myself do. Iām thankful that I donāt care about what anyone thinks of me anymore and I almost said that to her: L, I canāt wait for you get older because then youāll stop caring what other people think. But Iām thankful that I didnāt because I believe itās a very common experience for children to have adults dismiss their problems like this as they have the luxury of hindsight.
Iām thankful for her impressive emotional intelligence at the age of (nearly) 13. Iām thankful that she spoke of how itās important to have friends and people that you can share secrets and things with so that you donāt feel alone. Iām thankful that she didnāt have the words to say Itās important to have friends and family around you so they can validate and support you and instead said I want to feel like people care about me. Iām thankful for the way children often express themselves, both very simply and sometimes incoherently because theyāre dealing with things they donāt have the words to describe yet.
Iām thankful for my generally shitty time in high school and that I spend a lot of time when Iām volunteering in schools thinking about how I can make upset students feel better about their situation. Iām thankful for one time I got to do this with a student who was worrying about her terrible performance in math and that I told her about a really good math teacher I had who made the class really interesting to me and I got all As for the subject that year (in previous years Iād been close to failing because I hated math so much and didnāt put any effort in). Iām thankful that she told me about a teacher who had that effect for her but she was worried sheād be annoying him if she went to him for help even though he wasnāt her regular math teacher. Iām thankful I got to tell her that this wouldnāt be the case at all and he was literally being paid to help her so take advantage of it. Iām thankful that after she left I daydreamed a little about a student coming to me because they felt I had the skills to help them that other teachers didnāt have and how I could make them feel better about whatever mythical subject it was.
Iām thankful for my conflicting feelings about the education system in general, and for movements that exist about alternate modes of learning. Iām thankful for Steiner schools, Montessori education etc. and books like Free To Learn.
Iām thankful that L tells me things she doesnāt tell her parents because they are rather strict and very small minded (I donāt know how to word that without sounding mean lol). Iām thankful that when they had to leave we decided we would message each other on Skype and Instagram. Iām thankful for the instant bonding that comes with secrecy.
6/3
Iām thankful that I nearly forgot to write this. Iām thankful for time and that I have plenty of it (even if I seem to think otherwise often).Iām thankful for my calendar and that I was late to keeping one but now the first thing I do when someone starts a sentence with Are you free onā¦ is pull out my phone and look at the GCal app.
Iām thankful that I felt extremely angry for most of the day, the kind where I get headaches an grind my teeth. Iām thankful that there was no real external reason for it and knowing that made it seem silly. Iām thankful that the silliness kind of diffused it. Iām thankful that GM rang and and I answered the phone with Grrrrrr! because I was so angry and said Iām so fucking pissed off right now and he said Why? and I couldnāt think of a response.
Iām thankful that in my neverending quest for zesty, tangy and spicy things I chopped up a lemon into tiny pieces, fried the pieces with chilli and salt and ate them with a handful of rice. Iām thankful for starch.